Tuesday, November 15, 2011
She left me 18 years ago yet she is still around.Deep down i feel the pain of knowing she chose not to get to know me. I couldn't remember when was the last time i saw her. Probably 7 years ago. We met only few hours. The last time I talked to her was a year ago.That would be the second time we talked in that year.It was when her husband passed away. I know it has been a tough time for her and to make things worse I couldn't be there. Its hard for me to decide. Ayah would probably feel disappointed if i suddenly when to see her.I couldn't blame him for that. I know he always tries his best to be both, mum and dad. To play her role. It killed me when she said i should stop keep in touch with her when I told her I couldn't be there for her that time.
To be honest, the only way for me to know about her is by stalking her daughter's facebook. By doing that, i know she is doing fine. I admit that Im a bit jealous to know how happy she is with her new children, daughters and sons..her new life. I never thought that i would feel heartache when i saw what she wrote to her daughter.Its simple but maybe i was over reacting.She said, "Good night dear. I'll cook your favorite food tomorrow." I kept on asking myself..she is a part of me. But does she know anything about me other than my name? Like what is my favourite food,what is my hobby..all the basic thingy.Then as my sister keep on saying, 'She has a new life. Why do u think she wants to look back at her past? I mean us'.
Everyone said that I look exactly like her and i have to admit that by looking at her pictures.Im no more a little girl that she left 18 years ago. I have grown up. I wish she is able to see how mature I am now and how I look like rite now.I wish i could talk to her. But im still waiting for the right time.Its never about the ego.Im just afraid. Afraid of talking to her might lead me to be dependent. Somehow she had taught me to be independent.If only she wasn't the one that got away...