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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Along The Line

It has been 17 years.And yet I'm still counting. I'm still thinking and of course I'm still trying to let it go. People say time heals everything. Still time has not prove me anything so far.

I don't know who to blame. It was so long ago, but I know somewhere along the line, it happened because of me. You were really in love and married a very kind and lovely man, But then,I came to your life and suddenly all things got matters.Money,relationship, style ... which you've got to change because of me.

Most people said, it's too painful to loss their moms because of death when they were still young. But,at least, they know and everyone around them knows that their moms loved them. In my case, you left me. You chose to leave. I don't know what hurts the most. The thought that I don't have the chance to know you or the thought of knowing you chose better not to know me.

Yesterday, I saw some Year 1 students went to school for the first time. It always reminds me of you. To tell you the truth, it hurts me badly whenever the memory comes across my mind. I wish you were there on my first day of school like other parents will do. At least, to send me to school.I had to admit that I was the one who woke myself up, ironed my uniform (got my first scar on my arm)and packed my stuff into my school bag.Thanks God, u left my school file on the table so that I could register my own self on my first day at school. Since the Year 1 students had their schooling on the evening session, I had to decide whether I wanted to go to school or to take care of my little sister at home since I always had to take her from the nanny's home at 12 p.m. It was a hard decision to make by a 7 year old girl. Contemplating of going to school but still worried about my sister. But then, I went to school since I couldn't resist the temptation of looking at my friends walked to school with their uniforms hand by hand with their mums and dads. I asked my sister to stay at home and helped her to sleep before I off to school. She was 4 years old back then.

I walked to school by myself and registered my own self. When the teacher asked me, 'where is your mum?', I just could give her my forceful smile. During the day, I just felt like going home. Not because I hate to be at school, but I'm worried about my sister. When the teacher said that I could go home, I walked quickly and found out that my sister was waiting for me at the gate school.

Dear sister,
At that moment, you gave me a hope. You gave me a 'spiritual security'..knowing that someone still watching out for me. You probably don't have any idea about this as you were still young.

Dear Mum,
Most people around me keep on saying I should call you. They said we should keep in touch. The elders said its wrong for me to ignore you.I just can smile and say I will.Nobody knows about this as I keep it. They can say anything but they won't feel the pain that haunting me till now. I just want you to know. I don't blame you.There was no one to blame. Make it simple... it was wrong time and wrong place for us.

Dear 'future me',
Today,I promise myself that one day when I get married ,I'll try my very best not to be the best mum in the world but a mother for my children.


sheIsMe said...

its raining now and u post a heartbreaking entry..hmm..why so sudden?

lovemenot said...

Umi told me about u,the twin and bangteh 1st time got to school to everyone.Suddenly, it came to my mind.random ;)